Pet dogs versus show dogs...
Pet dogs shed ............... Show dogs blow coat.
Pet dogs are in heat ........... Show dogs come into season.
Pet dogs trot ................ Show dogs gait or move.
Pet dogs stand .............. Show dogs stack.
Pet dogs get a bath .............. Show dogs are groomed.
Pet dogs beg for treats ................ Show dogs bait.
Pet dogs poop ................ Show dogs toilet or eliminate.
Pet dogs bark at other dogs ............ Show dogs spar.
Dog show in heaven...
One day in heaven, Saint Peter, Saint Paul and Saint John were standing around near the dog kennels watching the dogs laying around.
"I am certainly bored," stated John. "Me too," Paul chimed in.
Peter stood and watched the dogs. "I know!" Peter began. "Why don't we have a dog show?"
Paul and John thought that the idea was great except for one small detail that Paul pointed out. "Who are we to compete against, Peter?" Paul asked.
The trio pondered a moment when Peter realized the answer.
"We will call up Satan and invite him to the dog show. I mean, we have all of the finest dogs here in heaven; all of the World and National Champions are here. His kennels are filled with the spoiled, difficult and mean dogs. We are certain to win at the show!"
And so the trio calls up Satan on the other realm communication lines and invited him to their dog show. Satan laughed and asked why they would want to be humiliated like that, because he would certainly beat them.
Peter, Paul and John did not understand. "What do you mean Satan?" Peter asked. "We have all of the National and World Champion dogs in our kennels in heaven. How could you possibly beat us?"
Satan paused a moment and then laughed. "Have you forgotten so soon gentlemen? I have all the judges!"
Are there dog shows in heaven?...
One of the most ambitious allround judges happened to be a highly religious person (not such an unlikely combination as you might sometimes think).
He worried a lot about whether he would still be able to pursue his favourite occupation in the hereafter, and finally he went to his priest and said, "Father, I wonder if there are dog shows in Heaven? As you are on speaking terms with the boss, could your please find out for me?"
The priest replied that he would try and told the judge to get back to him on the next Sunday. At the appointed time when the man got back, the priest informed him, "My child, I have good news and bad news for you. The good news is that yes, indeed, there are dog shows in Heaven. The bad news is that you have been appointed to judge their next Sunday show."
Dogaholics Anonymous...
Good Afternoon. I am a DOGAHOLIC. I would like to welcome all of you to this month's meeting of "Dogaholics Anonymous". Some of you are here tonight because a friend or relative brought you. You may be sitting here thinking that you are OK, and that you really don't need any help.
It is not easy to admit that you are a Dogaholic, and it is even harder to bring yourself to a DA meeting for help. DA is here to assist you. I have some questions to ask. If you can answer YES to three or more of the following questions, you have come to the right place.
* Can you say "BITCH" in public without blushing?
* Do you drive a station wagon, van, RV or 4x4 when everyone else drives a real car?
* Do you have more than one car? One for you, and one for the dogs?
* Do you spend your vacations and holidays going to shows, specialties, and seminars, when everyone else goes on a cruise?
* If you do go overseas, is it London in March to attend Crufts, or Finland in June to attend the World Dog Show?
* Do you discuss things at the dinner table that would make most doctors leave in disgust?
* Do you consider formal wear to be clean jeans, and freshly washed tennis shoes?
* Is your interior decorator R.C. Steele?
* Was your furniture and carpets chosen to match your dogs?
* Are your end tables really dog crates with tablecloths thrown over them?
* Do you know the meaning of CD, CDX, UD, UDX, TD, TDX, HIC, JH, SH, MH, OTCH, CH, AJ, AJX, MACH, FD, VST, FTCH, WC, FC, OAJ, NGDC and AFC?
* Is your mail made up primarily of dog catalogs, dog magazines, show photos and premium lists?
* Do you get up before dawn to go to training classes, dog shows and seminars...but have trouble getting up for work?
* If you have dresses, do they all have pockets? Do those pockets often contain freeze-dried liver, Rollover, clickers, or squeaky toys?
* When you meet a new person, do you always ask them what kind of dog they have... and do you pity them if they don't have one?
* Do you remember the name of their dog before you remember their name?
* Do you find non-dog people boring?
If you answered YES to one of the above, there is still hope. If you answered YES to two of the above, you are in serious trouble.
If you answered YES to three or more, you have come to the right place.
My advice to all of you with three or more YES answers is to sit back and smile, turn to the smiling person next to you, and know that your life will always be filled with good friends, good dogs, and it will NEVER be boring!
Dog Show Definitions...
1. Great stud dog ............... Mounts anything that can fog a mirror.
2. Excels in movement ......................... If he gets loose, run like hell.
3. Personality Plus ................. Wakes up if you put liver up his nose.
4. Good bite ............................... Missed the judge, got the steward.
5. Large boned ................................... Looks like a Clydesdale.
6. Good obedience prospect ............... Smart enough to come in from the rain, but ugly.
7. Quiet and good natured ................ In his kennel.
8. Excels in type and style ................... However, moves like a spider on "speed".
9. Won in stiff competition ............... Beat four puppies and a 9 year old novice dog.
10. Multiple group winner ..................... At two puppy matches.
11. Pointed ................. His head is shaped like a carrot.
12. Noted Judge ................................... He put up our dog.
13. Respected Judge ............................He put up our dog twice.
14. Esteemed Judge ...................... He puts up anything that crawls.
15. Specialty Judge ....................... Puts up anything that looks like his own breeding.
16. Won in heavy competition ................ The other dogs were revoltingly overweight.
17. Shown sparingly ..................... Only when we had it in the bag.
18. Show Prospect ................ He has 4 legs, 2 eyes, 2 ears, 1 tail.
19. Finished in 5 shows ...................... And 89 where he failed to win a ribbon.
20. Well Balanced ......................... Straight as a stick, front and rear.
21. Handled brilliantly by .................. Nobody else can get near him.
22. At stud to "approved" bitches ................ Those bitches whose owner's check is good.
23. Linebred from famous champions ......... Ch. Whoozitz appears twice 6th generation.
24. Terrific brood bitch ................. Her conformation is the pits, but she conceives big litters.
25. Wins another Best In Show ............ His second, under the same judge, our uncle.
I've seen a judge...
I've seen a judge...
Ah, such a judge
Reviled ere I saw him.
His reputation came before
And naught good it did for him.
That judge I saw
Had knowledge poor,
Save that he knew of faces.
Incompetence he doth reveal
By every dog he places.
That judge, alas is not unique
Treading the footprints of his clique.
His like do follow after,
But the plums they pull are bitter ones
And bring forth bitter laughter.
We're not gonna go...
Oh Boy! Here's the premium list for a Show!
Oh no! Not that one! We're "not" gonna go!
Remember last year how we swore lose or win
That we'd never set foot on these show grounds again?
It was hot, it was dirty. and not enough shade,
The inadequate benching was so poorly made.
The entry was lousy in bitches and dogs,
And they charged way too much for their bad catalogs.
The rings were so distant and located far
From the quagmire where we abandoned the car
That we nearly collapsed from having to pack
The dogs, crates and penning over and back.
And we nearly expired from hunger and thirst,
'Cause the food and drink set-up was truly the worst.
And the ring was so small and on uneven ground;
There were stickers and weeds and debris all around,
And it's too far to travel for just one old show
So throw out the entries: we're not gonna go!
We'll stay home and loaf and relax and be glad
For no bathing, nail trimming, and rushing like mad.
No hitting the road at the dawn's early light,
No dragging home beat in the still of the night.
Just think of all the time and expense
We'll save by just using our good common sense.
However, there "is" one small thing I'll concede:
I would like to watch while they're judging our breed.
Say, I'll tell you what! Why don't we just go
As leisurely spectators viewing the show?
What a treat it will be to sit ringside with ease
And after the judging, just leave when we please.
No bother with dogs and all their regalia,
And all of the various paraphernalia.
But. as long as we'll be there, what could be wrong
With 'just for fun' taking one dog along?
OK! We'll take one. But the problem is: which?
A pup? The special? A dog or a bitch?
If we took a puppy it would just be for fun
But we could sure use the points if the dog or bitch won.
We'll never decide - it's no use to stall.
Dig out the entries - We'll enter them all!
But if it turns out as bad as we fear,
We'll really and truly stay home "next" year!
Dead dog at the vet...
A guy walks into his vet's office with his dog in his arms and says, "Doc! You gotta help me! Something's wrong with my dog!"
The vet examines the dog and says, "I'm sorry sir, but your dog is dead."
The guy begs him to PLEASE help his dog! They go back and forth like this until the doctor finally says, "Wait here."
He returns a minute later with a cat. He puts the cat right up to the dog's face and nothing happens. Then he brings in a Labrador Retriever. He puts the Lab right up to the dog's face and nothing happens.
The guy gets all teary eyed and says "I guess you're right, he is dead. What do I owe you?"
The doctor says, "$350. The guy says, "$350 to tell me my dog is dead?! Why so much?!"
The doctor says, "$50 for the exam, $150 for the cat scan, and $150 for the lab report."
A veterinarian goes to the doctor...
A Veterinarian was feeling ill and went to see her doctor.
The doctor asked her all the usual questions, about symptoms, how long had they been occurring, etc., when she interrupted him: "Hey look, I'm a Vet - I don't need to ask my patients these kind of questions. I can tell what's wrong just by looking." She smugly added, "Why can't you?"
The doctor nodded, stood back, looked her up and down, quickly wrote out a prescription, handed it to her and said, "There you are. Of course, if that doesn't work, we'll have to have you put down."
A dog on a safari...
A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his faithful pet dog along for company.
One day the dog starts chasing butterflies and before long he discovers that he is lost. So, wandering about he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch.
The dog thinks, "Boy, I'm in deep doo doo now." Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dog exclaims loudly, "Man, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here?"
Hearing this the leopard halts his attack in mid stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees.
"Whew", says the leopard. "That was close. That dog nearly had me."
Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes.
But the dog saw him heading after the leopard with great
speed, and figured that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.
The cat is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine."
Now the dog sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks, "What am I going to do now?" But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet.
And just when they get close enough to hear, the dog says, "Where's that monkey? I just can never trust him. I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard, and he's still not back!!"
The leopard ate the monkey.
No-pets policy....
A kindly old man died peacefully and found himself resurrected in the middle of a country road. And behold! Running toward him was his favorite dog!
He knelt and embraced his long lost pet in tearful reunion. After some time, the dog seemed anxious to walk the road in what seemed to be the direction of the rising sun. The man followed.
Before long, they came to a fence of wrought gold, with pearly gates, behind which there stood mansion upon mansion. The gatekeeper, a tall man in flowing white robes, greeted the man, and welcomed him to enter.
"But what exactly is this place?" said the man, who had been a lifelong agnostic.
"This," said the gatekeeper, is Heaven. But you'll have to leave him outside. We have a strict no-pets policy."
The man stood in confusion for some moments. His face became grim. "No thanks," he said. "I'll take my chances with my dog."
For a long time, the man and his dog wandered down the road. At last they came to an unpretentious farming community with no fences or gates of any kind. What appeared to be a contented old farmer was sitting on a stool next to an old-fashioned hand operated water pump. The dog ran up to the farmer, who petted him, and gave him some water.
"Where is this place?" asked the man.
"This is Heaven," answered the farmer. "It's all around you. You've been in it, or at least the outskirts of it ever since you died."
"But that fellow back yonder behind the pearly gates said that place was Heaven." replied the man.
"Nah, that's Hell," replied the farmer. "We leave the entrance there to weed out the hypocrites who'd leave their best friend behind."
A sad little chihuahua...
A sad little chihuahua was telling his troubles to his friend.
"I'm depressed. I think negative thoughts. I'm always
bored and always tired."
"Why not go see a psychiatrist?" suggested the friend.
"Well, I would," said the chihuahua, "except that I'm
not allowed on the couch."
The fundamentalist chihuahua...
This fundamentalist Christian couple felt it important to own an equally fundamentally Christian pet. So, they went shopping.
At a kennel specializing in chihuahuas, they found a dog they liked quite a lot. When they asked the chihuahua to fetch the Bible, he did it in a flash. When they instructed him to look up Psalm 23, he complied equally fast, using his paws with dexterity. They were impressed, purchased the chihuahua, and went home.
That night they had friends over. They were so proud of their new fundamentalist dog and his major skills, they called the chihuahua and showed off a little.
The friends were impressed, and asked whether the chihuahua was able to do any of the usual dog tricks, as well. This stopped the couple cold, as they hadn't thought about "normal" tricks.
"Well," they said, "Let's try this out."
Once more they called the chihuahua, and they clearly pronounced the command, "Heel!"
Quick as a wink, the chihuahua jumped up into the man's lap, put his paw on the man's forehead, closed his eyes in concentration, and bowed his head.
The gorilla hunter...
This guy wakes up one morning to find a gorilla in his tree. He looks in the phone book for a gorilla removal service until he finds one.
"Is it a boy or girl Gorilla?" the service guy asks. "Boy," is the man's response. "Oh yeah, I can do it. I'll be right there", says the service guy.
An hour later the service guy shows up with a stick, a Chihuahua, a shotgun, and a pair of handcuffs. He then gives the man some instructions:
"Now, I'm going to climb this tree and poke the gorilla with the stick until he falls. When he does, the trained Chihuahua will bite the gorilla's testicles off. The gorilla will then cross his hands to protect himself and allow you to put the handcuffs on him."
The man asks, "What do I do with the shotgun?"
The service guy replies, "If I fall out of the tree before the gorilla, shoot the Chihuahua."
Rottweiler vs. chihuahua...
A man walks into a bar one day and asks, "Does anyone here own that Rottweiler outside?"
"Yeah, I do!" a biker says, standing up. "What about it?"
"Well, I think my Chihuahua just killed him..."
"What are you talkin' about?!" the biker says, disbelievingly. "How could your little runt kill my Rottweiler?"
"Well, it seems he got stuck in your dog's throat!"
Seeing eye chihuahua...
A man with a German Shepherd dog goes into a bar and sits down at the counter.
The bartender says, "You can't bring that dog in here!" The man says, "But this is a Seeing Eye dog!" The bartender says "Well, OK, then I guess it can stay."
After a while, the man and the German Shepherd get up to leave. As they're going out the door, another man with a Chihuahua is coming in.
The first man says, "The bartender won't like you bringing that dog in here, but just tell him it's a Seeing Eye dog and then it'll be OK." The second man looks dubiously at his tiny Chihuahua, thinks a few seconds, then thanks the first man and goes on in.
The bartender says, "Hey! You can't bring that Chihuahua in here!" The man stares straight ahead and exclaims "What! They sold me a Chihuahua?!"
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